


American Childrens Movie, "Squirreled"

by insomniacOlympian



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Squirrels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27160736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomniacOlympian/pseuds/insomniacOlympian
Summary: Agent Carter Hotdog Blake of the FBI is given a task by his superior due to niche interests & knowledge.He's played by the guy whose played Jameson Locke in Halo: Nightfall & Luke Cage, Mike Colter.





	American Childrens Movie, "Squirreled"

my idea for a kids movie: "Agent Blake & The Squirrels."  
Tell me that little children wouldn't eat this pig slop up and I'll sell you off for lies. 

Agent Carter Hot-Dog Blake, the man with the unfortunate middle name! Just the person I wanted to see. Could you step into my office with me?

"Of course, sir. What is it?"

Well, Agent Blake. As we both know, you're the CIA's top expert - on squirrels.

"How'd you find out about that?"

Oh, come on. You must have known I'd find out about your.. predilections. You know me and Janice are close friends, after all. 

You should know better then to have such a loose tongue, especially in our line of work.

"I'll keep it in mind, sir. What's this about, though?"

Well, it seems that your hobby is finally going to be useful for you. 

You see, the CIA is reactivating its animal programs- and instead of mine detecting dogs & dolphins, we've chosen to go with animals with hands, this time. So. Squirrels.

"Why not go with apes then, sir?"

We thought of that. Staying away from them. Too closely related to us, it makes people uncomfortable & we can't have that unless they can't prove the reasons why. 

.. Raccoons are just unreasonable, before you ask. 

Anyway. The talking squirrel population is too close of an ally to not start using. 

I've already got a top pick of candidates for you to choose from and if you don't like the first group, there are others.

"Well, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't love that."

I thought you would. 

You won't be head of the squirrel division- which we're calling S.I.A, by the way- Squirrel Intelligence Agency- but you'll be our liaison with these little rascals. 

The one, perilous link between all of Human & Squirrel kind. 

Are you ready for that kind of promotion? The ones it could take you to? It's got a pay raise, of course- although I'll also be expecting regular status updates, although only every week & mission. 

"Of course I'm ready, sir! Take me to them."

''Right this way.".

Our African-American protagonist is lead to the Squirrels room by the CIA Director, who's entire approach is like a stereotypical police chiefs for some reason?

In the dark conference room he's lead to, Blake sits at a miniature conference table in a childs chair- 

\- this is so that he's at eye level with the talking squirrels, showing them the respect they deserve.

One of them, a red American squirrel, waddles up. 

Some of it is CGI but when you get to the shot where it's looking at him, suddenly it's a live action squirrel making that pose they do when they're begging for food. It's jarring & horrible and amazing, especially while stoned.

"Well, hello. Human. My name's Red. I'm the leader of this group of Squirrels, so if you want to talk to them, you've got to talk to me first."

"It's good to meet you, Red. I'm CIA. Agent Carter Hot-Dog Blake." Blake says, putting his hands on his hips. He pauses.

"I'm honored to speak to you right now." The man asks, holding his hand out. Red puts his little paw in his hand and they shake.

"I'm sure you already know why we're here.  
The CIA is starting a sub-agency- the Squirrel Intelligence Agency. SIA. 

I was just told about it today but they want me to be the liaison with you and your team, if you'd like that of course. I've worked with a lot of Squirrels before and I'd love to be the one to see what we can do with an oppurtunity like this."

Red nods sagely. 

"You're making the offer like it's a choice... I like you, Blake. 

Personally, I'm all for it. It'd be good to get back to work, especially with little Humans- 

[The squirrels are not walk-in's for the sense of alienation the children watching the movie have & they are not a stand-in for minorities. This is not the appeal, here. They're just talking squirrels. It's charming and fun and not American, CIA or Human propoganda and that is it.)

but you'll have to talk to the rest of the team, first. You can start with Stone, here."

Blake looks over- there's another Squirrel- this one black, with white highlights on its ears.

When he speaks, he's got a Steven Urkel kind of voice- feminine & shrill and yet strangely masculine as well, somehow.

"You already know that I'm Stone. It's always good to meet another black man, though, Blake."

Blake is flabbergasted at the sentence he just heard with his actual ears and breaks the 4th wall for a second by looking at the camera for a moment for the adults in the audience. 

this is covered up by having the shot take place, in-universe, from a camera recording the interview  
from another, child-sized table.

He composes himself.

"It sure is." The man says, a single eyebrow arched up. They dap and all is well.

"We're cool. Good to meet you." Stone says dismissively, trying not to glance at his racially diverse friends.

"So who's next?" Blake asks, his voice rising enough to sound like a little girls. The panic is starting to set in as he actually realizes what it is that he's getting into.

"That'd be Slippery, here. Although we just go with Slippy."

Slippys isn't your Dads name for your Moms favorite pair of slippers - he's an American Squirrel but this one is albino white. His arms are crossed and he glares at Blake, his beady little black eyes set in a glare. 

This is visually striking due to the color contrasts.

"Why'd they call you Slippy?" The man asks.

When he speaks, we find out that Slippy is very obviously voiced by a white person with a nondescript, unplaceable American accent.

Red had a New Yorkers.

"Because I have to be extra Slippery when I sneak around, you idiot." Slippy says, rolling his eyes. "You think that you of all people would know that."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Stone asks, looking over at his counterpart with death in his eyes.

"COOL IT, GUYS!" Red says, holding his hands out to both of them. "We're here for the Human, right now. You two can settle this later. Slippy, do you like this... Agent Blake?"

"He's alright." Slippy says, shrugging. He's the cool one that the kids will appreciate, of course. "I meant that he's a CIA agent, by the way," glancing over at STONE, who nods sagely & rolls his head over to indicate that - 

"I'm next." A Eurasian Red Squirrel says.

"Who are you, next?" Blake asks, starting to get into this lunacy as much as I hope the person reading this hog shit is. 

"Earful. It's because I've always got my ear out for trouble. I'm the scout of the team besides Glider here and I don't know about her but I like you. I think I could, anyway." He adds suddenly, voice going from friendly to conniving in the span of a sentence.

"We'd have to work together in the field." The squirrel tells Blake, voice grave now.

There are a lot of graves in the fields that Earful the Talking, Flying Squirrel has been in, apparently. This is a childrens movie. 

Glider, whose a Flying Squirrel and a representation of my distaste, nods. 

Her voice is shrill & annoying & unlike Stones, it has no hint of the opposite sex in it. She sounds like your Mom when she's mad. Doesn't have her Slippys again.

"Earful has a point. I only work with professionals. That's why me and him are always on recon. I could see this working out but I'm not convinced."

Blake sighs. "That's better then nothing."

He looks to the last Squirrel. 

It's a completely ''normal,'' grey colored, American Squirrel.  
Our hero looks like he wants to die but he keeps his composure.

"Alright, so what's your name?"

This last one has his arms crossed too- but when he speaks, he lets them fall to his sides. The camera focuses on him.

"The name is Stormbreaker. I'm the Heart & Soul of the team, buddy. and let me tell you- you don't impress me. But I think we should give you a chance, though."

The Squirrels look at each other and wordlessly come to some sort of small, Squirrel agreement- 

Despite what he may think, they're the ones who have truly decided to Squirrel Agent Blake away, not the other way around. 

He will learn the power of friendship, come hell or Squirrel water. 

Red steps up.

"Agent Hot Dog. It'll be a pleasure to work with you."

"It'll be a pleasure working with you, too- I've always loved Squirrels. Can you just call me Blake though? Please?"

"Of course, Carter."

**Author's Note:**

> the villain is a Fennec Fox named "Mr. Big," henchman to a racially ambigious but Mid-Eastern coated EXCUSE FOR A MAN named "Makmud Adee Salame."
> 
> in the sequel, years later in & out of universe,the group has disbanded after becoming dissatisfied with both Red & Blakes leadership but reunite after squirrels everywhere start disappearing, only to confront an army of communist & Chinese terrorist rats in a bunch of jungles & rice fields.


End file.
